@ambamthankyamam: Hey people that twitter says are "similar to me", where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
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@davidsirota: Things I learned from media: Sanders has won a bunch of states but must drop out Rubio shows he's a contender by losing nearly everywhere
@wickedsuga: Randomly play a recording of a candy bar wrapper being opened just to keep your kids on their toes.
@Sickayduh: Nurse: Taking you back into surgery. Something was sewn inside you. Me: What? Can I talk to the surgeon? [from my stomach] I'm right here