@ambamthankyamam: Hey people that twitter says are "similar to me", where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
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@Florescience: *At funeral* "Your Mom is so fat" I said eulogy, not roast. "oh right, I'm sorry. Your mom WAS so fat..."
@internetluke: [Seahawks locker room] Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score! Wilson: well put! Well put!
@C_J_Commode: I've reached the point of laziness where even laying around has become too much for me to handle.
@tastefactory: I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*