@ambamthankyamam: Hey people that twitter says are "similar to me", where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
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@causticbob: At a job interview "What are your strengths?" "I'm an optimist and a positive thinker" "Can you give me an example?" "Yes, when do I start?"
@jackiembouvier: Friend: I'm getting married! Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
@murrman5: Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What's that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
@goldengateblond: Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.