Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
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Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.