Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
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I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
I think this cat is broken
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
shut up and take my money
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Important
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.