Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
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Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Guilty! 🤪
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement