@lawyerthoughts: Hey people who don't understand sarcasm, what's it like being so awesome?
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@PajamaBenLaden: *Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
@AndyAsAdjective: [watching The Avengers] 7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry? ME: probably because his kid won't stop asking questions during movies
@IamEnidColeslaw: Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I'll stop them and whisper, "Like you mean it."
@decentbirthday: [waking up after car crash] Doctor: Sadly, we could only reattach 8 of your fingers. However we were able to reattach all 12 of your toes