Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
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In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!