Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
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Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART