Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
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Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine