Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
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me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
this has done me in for some reason
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Last-minute gift idea!
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy