I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
You Might Also Like
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Getting married soon just need a spouse
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade