Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
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Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Oh the world we live in…
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor