We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
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The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
? 💀
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.