A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
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Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
still the best tweet of the year by far
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.