Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
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To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
accurate
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.