HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
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[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.