Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
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him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished