Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
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respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
That’s easy for you to say
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”