“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
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My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Bike is short for Bichael.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.