“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
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Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
This is sending me to another galaxy
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.