hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
You Might Also Like
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.