@nachosarah: hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it's a baby not a forcefield
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@JLazySAngus: Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
@welfarehoe: STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE! I said STOP RUNNING! STOP RUNN.. YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
@rachelle_mandik: people say they're "over the moon" when they're happy, but it's a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
@AristotlesNZ: 5yo: Can we go get a turtle? They're so cool! Me: Whats so cool about turtles? 5yo: They can breath thru their butts! Me: Grab your coat..