Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
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Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I have obtained a hat
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
the rocks need my help
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.