Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
You Might Also Like
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.