@Goofpoops: Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you're not getting laid...it's because the women can't see you..
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@meganamram: Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote "blackbird" about Batman
@weinerdog4life: If you see a cat with a dart in it, that's my cat and I need him back, we aren't done yet.
@QueefTornado: Me: This chicken is undercooked. Wife: You don't appreciate my cooking. Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.