me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
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SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!