*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
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Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?