Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
You Might Also Like
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money