Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
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Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.