Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
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meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
ACED my prostate exam!
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty