My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
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A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.