A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
You Might Also Like
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Lol
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.