Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
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German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.