Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
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I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Who.
Did.
This?
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle