I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
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For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?