@grimpossible: "Hey son, we really love you but we posted a picture of you on Instagram and nobody liked it which is why we're giving you up for adoption."
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@myvisable: If a woman is bad at parking it's because she is constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.
@LeonEarlgrey: They say love is worth more than money. But I'm pretty sure my landlord is gona want more than a hug.
@ventivodkacran: When someone yells "STOP!" I never know if it's Hammertime or if I should collaborate and listen.