If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
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[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i canāt hear you let me put you on sneaker
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Iāve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and Iāve gotta say if thereās a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Just heard weāre under a āheat advisory.ā
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? Itās impossible to tell.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Seals are just dog mermaids.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I went to a singles event once. I didnāt see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…šš¤£ššš
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for usā¦ and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Why he land on that little girl like thatā ļø
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are youā¦gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. Thatās a good idea
Iām re-enacting Titanic today, Iām at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song Iām showing your insurance company bc honestly Iām tired of it
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I only attract psychopaths. If youāve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.