HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
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went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
time for some seasonal decor
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
There’s no “u” in narcissist