hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
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You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Guilty! 🤪
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids