I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
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Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.