Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
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For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*