Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
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Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?