ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
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As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.