@KenJennings: Hey suns wearing sunglasses: that's not going to help, stupid. Think about it.
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@SteveInevitable: When I'm looking for a parking spot I turn the radio down because clearly I can see better when it's quieter...
@DanMentos: "Bob's here" Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he's a surgeon? "We only know one Bob and he's an accountant" *arm falls off*
@sarcasticmommy4: One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
@valerie_tosi: The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said "It's cute that you think I'm here for that."