@weinerdog4life: Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

@xLiserx: It's October: For everyone's safety, keep your blonde haired children away from all corn mazes. Do not let them congregate.

@refinedrednec: I have a way with words. It's the wrong way but it's still a way.

@TedOfficialPage: Imagine this: you're home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers "Bless you" and hangs up

@Chumpstring: [zoo] GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys ME: it's a cigar