@Jennco_W: Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I'm opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
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@ashmensch: If you want my body and you think I'm sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
@PhuktUpScott: My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn't sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
@timdonakowski: Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.