Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
You Might Also Like
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife