@darth__mouth: hey teens ! if you think you're angry now, just wait until you have to spend your own money on toilet paper.
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@djr_102: Spice up your Facebook timeline when someone's status turns to "It's complicated" by posting "thanks for last night" underneath it.
@JaneBadall: Expecting an idiot to admit they're wrong feels a lot like trying to put socks on an octopus.
@ojedge: *turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume* "Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have."
@Jake_Vig: THEM: Let's head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there. ME: What's the grass situation?