[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
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if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.