@darth__mouth: hey teens ! if you think you're angry now, just wait until you have to spend your own money on toilet paper.
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@SteveSuckington: [comes home from store] Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess... earmuffs were on sale? Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
@WhatsHerFace33: "Operator, run this licence plate please Echo Alpha Tango Alpha Delta India Charlie Kilo" - Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
@GrowlyGrego: [spelling bee] Your word is "spider" Can you use it in a sentence? "A spider has eight eyes." [kid smiles] Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R