I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
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Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Thoughts
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.