@TheFearBoners: Hey Texas, in Florida it's legal to abort other people's kids up to 17 years.
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@shutupmikeginn: Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn't say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
@SadMeterologist: Police: How did they break in? Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside. Police: They found it? Me: They threw it through the window.
@UGotMeRight: The wife convinced me into taking her to Hawaii if she lost 20 pounds. You'd be surprised how many M&M's someone can swallow in their sleep.