Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
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my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
LOOOOOOL
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.