Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
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This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
i- i did not expect this
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.