Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
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blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda