hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
You Might Also Like
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.