hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
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[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no