hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
You Might Also Like
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.