hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
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Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
*mops up wine with cat*
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”