Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
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ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
the battle rages on
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Not helping
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd